JAR

6 a.m. 

on the dot — 

That's when my brain starts to rot. 

Good Morning, Miss Maniac!

(Wait, what? What time is it?) 

Morning, Miss Panic Attack!

(Wait. How are you? Wait.) (Great! … )

(That’s great!) 

(Wait … ) 

I’m not feeling so good.

Well… 

If that’s what waking up feels like, then I never want to wake up again. 

I said, 

If that’s what going to bed feels like, then I never want to go to bed again !!!

No sleep

No peace

No plan —

No hourglass, no sand …

But I can be your man. 

In hindsight, I really shouldn’t have tried to kill myself. (I hold my breath down Route 28.) (I hold my wound out for the doctor to see.)

What do you see?

They tell me there’s nothing they can do, besides wait. 

(Wait … ) 

What do you mean?

BASICALLY, 

What I thought was going to be a BIG DEAL turned out to be nothing at all …

Damn.

What’s the plan? 

No sleep, no peace, no plan … 

No hourglass, no sand …

But I’m still your man, 

right?

Baby? ( … )

Right?!

The other night I couldn’t sleep so I started dreaming. 

We were on our way home from the clinic, white knuckles and locked jaw …

Down past the oyster shack: SHUCK ME, SUCK ME, EAT ME RAW!

6 a.m. 

and I’m revisiting a room (Crash Bang BOOM!) —

First from the outside, (I’m breaking in.) 

(Let me in!) 

(LET ME IN!!) 

and then from the inside, through the side door;

Should I tell them that I’ve been here before?

This is my depression room — I remember. 

Remember the secret scene? (I think it was a RAGE scene.) (Good Morning, Miss Maniac!)

A secret entrance? (Ms. Shut Your Fucking Trap)

Remember the secret passcode

and thinking nobody knows …

(Push my face in the dirt, I wanna curl my toes.

I wanna shout!)

And secretly hoping somebody finds out? 

I’m trying to remember what I saw … (Dancing, dancing, dancing, dancing … )

Dancing into my depression room through the secret entrance (Sh!), and finding something gross. That’s actually what I miss the most. 

(That’s so gross … that was so gross … you’re so gross … ) 

Ooh! I miss that the most!

But now I’m handsome and pretty, so no one can tell when I’m feeling shitty;

I’M FEELING SHITTY!!!

Well …

I’ve found six distinct entrances to the room, although there are probably more.

You can get in through

The Front Door, in an X-marks-the-spot, remember-when-I-stayed-in-bed-for-a-month, playing-with-shadows-in-the-dark, it-feels-like-something-difficult-is-coming-back-to-haunt-me sort of way, 

The Back Door, in a frantic, car-crash, oh-fuck, holy-shit, the-second-pair-of-keys-below-the-doormat, we-need-to-hide, run, please-don’t-tell-my-mom (or-actually-please-do!!) kind of way,

The Side Door, in a clever, disobedient, destructive-fantasy, now-how-the-hell-did-I-end-up-here, blurry, double-vision, what-if-I-took-a-step-to-the-left, what-if-I-tilted-my-head-like-this sort of way,

The Window on the Second Floor, in a sharp, glass-breaking, I’m-constructing-a-three-dimensional-model-of-my-thoughts-then-grabbing-the-sledgehammer, I-need-you-to-take-a-deep-breath-and-PUSH, lights-turning-on-in-the-middle-of-the-night kind of way,

The Chimney, in a hopeless, claustrophobic, psychological-freefall, falling-falling-falling way,

or 

The Secret Entrance, in a mystical, mushy, distorted-space, unmoving-time, the-strange-pleasures-of-sadness, Hurricane-esque, the-maid-of-honor-has-arrived way. 

What else can I say?

I’m trying to imagine children dreams (remember colors). 

(Remember colors?)

Remember gravel?

Remember puddles?

Remember wood chips?

Remember chalk?

Remember running?

Remember splinters?

Remember bugs with a million legs?

A million eyes?

Remember slime?

Remember shoelaces?

Remember bonfires?

Remember clay?

Remember horses?

Remember that pillow?

Remember that smell?

Remember being home alone?

(Hello? … Anyone home?? … )

Remember barbed wire?

Remember board games?

Remember dancing?

Remember that night?

Raging?

Aching?

Lovemaking?

Can you hear the glass breaking?